happy mother’s day, judi!

i miss you more than there are words for. ย i celebrate who you were as my mother every day. ย on your anniversary this year, i was strong – no tears… i even went to work – i smiled and thought of your smile all day. ย but this week has been rough. i couldn’t figure out why my emotions have been so high… sometimes it just hits me, yanno?! ย i miss you more than ever, it seems. ย i’m a “big girl” now, and all i want is my mommy. ย i want to ask your advice, introduce you to people i meet, have lunch with you, buy you sweaters and scarves, make you smoothies, paint your fingernails, and brush your hair for you. ย i also miss giving you back-scratches. ย i know i always complained about doing that for you, but i would do it as my full time job now if i could – and nothing seemed to make me fall asleep like a back-scratch from you… i miss the littlest things. ย i don’t wallow in sadness when i miss you… i mean, it hurts – they lie when it says it gets easier with time… it actually gets harder, one just finds ways to cope. ย but i do find that some moments are extraordinarily harder than others…
i always say your death was “bittersweet” because i just can’t find another word to help me accept that it happened. even 20 years later – i don’t know who i’d be if it didn’t happen, and i don’t know how happy or healthy you would’ve been if it didn’t… so all i can really do is be extra grateful that YOU were my mother in this lifetime. ย that for 13 glorious years, you were the one tucking me in at night and making silly “bear” faces in the car on roadtrips to visit family. all i can do each year on mother’s day is remember the wonderful things you did for me as my mother.
i’ll close with a few of the reasons and memories i have that made you the best mom ever : Continue reading →
Tags: audrey michelle, bittersweet, blogging, family, letters to judi, life, love, mom, mother, mother's day, special, thoughts, words, writing