{i miss my mama}

10 May

happy mother’s day, judi!

mom

i miss you more than there are words for.  i celebrate who you were as my mother every day.  on your anniversary this year, i was strong – no tears… i even went to work – i smiled and thought of your smile all day.  but this week has been rough. i couldn’t figure out why my emotions have been so high… sometimes it just hits me, yanno?!  i miss you more than ever, it seems.  i’m a “big girl” now, and all i want is my mommy.  i want to ask your advice, introduce you to people i meet, have lunch with you, buy you sweaters and scarves, make you smoothies, paint your fingernails, and brush your hair for you.  i also miss giving you back-scratches.  i know i always complained about doing that for you, but i would do it as my full time job now if i could – and nothing seemed to make me fall asleep like a back-scratch from you… i miss the littlest things.   i don’t wallow in sadness when i miss you… i mean, it hurts – they lie when it says it gets easier with time… it actually gets harder, one just finds ways to cope.  but i do find that some moments are extraordinarily harder than others…

i always say your death was “bittersweet” because i just can’t find another word to help me accept that it happened. even 20 years later – i don’t know who i’d be if it didn’t happen, and i don’t know how happy or healthy you would’ve been if it didn’t… so all i can really do is be extra grateful that YOU were my mother in this lifetime.  that for 13 glorious years, you were the one tucking me in at night and making silly “bear” faces in the car on roadtrips to visit family. all i can do each year on mother’s day is remember the wonderful things you did for me as my mother.

i’ll close with a few of the reasons and memories i have that made you the best mom ever :

– you wrote inspiring notes on my lunch bags – AND I SAVED SOME! what 11 year old does that?!

– you always made me feel more important than anything – ANYTHING!

– you brought me to work sometimes because you had to, but i always had the best time colouring and hanging out in the hospital cafe and stuff…

– you sacrificed your own happiness for ours -time and time again.

– you made me love my curly hair.

– you made me believe that EVERY boy i had a crush on in middle school was worth it, and that EVERY boy liked me back, because i deserved it.

– you encouraged the writer and artist in me – remember samantha?!  i wrote short stories about her, my “alter ego” — you asked to be buried with some of the stories i’d written… thank you for letting me find one the other day so i could remember with you for a moment.

– i look just like you — i love that!

– you never made us feel like we were missing out on anything, even though we were poor as shit. as far as i knew, we lived like kings… boxed milk, salvation army clothes, small apartments, and all.

– you never yelled. you never lost your temper… your peace is something i aspire to gain.

– you had a presence like no other. when you entered a room, people noticed. but not because you came in blaring horns and wearing heels… because you radiated love and peace. how did you do that?! how did you do that amidst all the pain?!

– you left your impression on me – so strong!  i sometimes feel like you’re actually part of me now…

– you were the best mom because you were  MY MOM! and i wouldn’t be even half the human heart i am were it not for you…

thank you.  i love you.

———

happy mother’s day to all you mama’s out there. and to those of you with a mama on this planet – hug her extra hard.

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12 Responses to “{i miss my mama}”

  1. mylifeisthebestlife May 10, 2013 at 9:13 am #

    What a beautiful tribute. You made me cry!

    Like

  2. tinywhitecottage May 10, 2013 at 9:31 am #

    I share your thoughts and feelings Audrey. Not a single day passes where I do not miss my momma. I read your story twice. I find this remarkable you are able to put your thoughts into words, as eloquently as you have. I am very moved by this. Thank you for sharing. I noticed immediately how you look like your mama. I agree, it does not get easier with time…

    Like

    • cooking with audrey May 12, 2013 at 10:18 am #

      thank you so much for taking time to write such a sweet and thoughtful comment. it’s important to me to relate in this human experience. when i wrote this i wasn’t really even thinking – i just felt the words pour out. i hadn’t even anticipated writing about or to my mom, but it seemed like in that moment my soul needed an outpouring, so i willingly obliged… 🙂 sending warm thoughts your way today!

      Like

  3. anthony0358 May 10, 2013 at 11:28 am #

    I love you Audrey! Thank you for sharing this with us! I want to send all my positive energy to you this weekend. I wish I could have met your mom. I feel like I in a way, I met her when I met you. Sorry, crying now. This was such a beautiful post

    Like

    • cooking with audrey May 13, 2013 at 1:47 am #

      love you too – sweet anthony, thank you for always being a supporter and for remembering special days every year. you are an amazing friend!

      Like

  4. tableofcolors May 10, 2013 at 12:48 pm #

    Beautiful post! Thank you for sharing!

    Like

  5. naturallybrigid May 10, 2013 at 1:24 pm #

    I’m crying like an idiot at my desk. I have been thinking about you and Judy ALL WEEK, very intensely. I always saw a resemblence between you and your mom, but wow, looking at her photo now, you are identical. I feel like I know her, through you. I love you my friend, and I hold you close to my heart this weekend. ❤

    Like

    • cooking with audrey May 13, 2013 at 10:43 am #

      sweet friend i’m so glad you are in my life. i’m blessed to know you and to have reconnected with you in such a special way lately!!! thank you for your support, i love you!

      Like

  6. Vegan Flavorista May 12, 2013 at 5:28 am #

    What a lovely tribute! An inspiring reminder to all of us, that we only get one mother in this life. Thank you for posting. Many blessings 🙂

    Like

    • cooking with audrey May 13, 2013 at 1:48 am #

      thank you so much for taking time to leave such a kind comment! we should embrace ALL of the people we love every single moment we get the chance! 🙂

      Like

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