{whatever wednesday} — being OK with being okay…

so… here’s the thing about me… or at least, here’s how things have typically been for me…

although i see the world as very “gray” — i LIVE it very black and white.  what i mean by that is… it has appeared that for me i’m either super high and on top of it creating world peace the whole nine… OR, i’m super down and depressed feeling useless and hopeless and thinking even the flowers are out to get me… there is hardly an in between. seldom did i feel comfortable, content, “in a groove,” or most of all – peaceful.  that wasn’t always something i could FEEL and feel okay with…

i suppose this stems from a shaky childhood and the survival instinct of maturing faster than most due to losing a parent.  it could also have to do with my astrological chart, or the fact that i am a very very impatient old soul… but the truth is, it has always been hard for me to find a balance, or to find some comfort, some love, and some peace in the every day.  i speak of this in past-tense now because i can, because i am confident in saying that i no longer live like that.  i’ve spoken a handful of times now on how i feel i’ve changed over the last year, and am continuing to.  i’ve written about not only feeling the change but seeing it actually play out.  i make conscious choices each day to effect how i see life.  what’s frustrating is when i see people in life for who they are, and all they want to do is fake it — it’s just annoying, because i want to be like “you ain’t foolin’ me” but… i have to be a friggin’ politician about things sometimes and i’m kind of over that…

i digress, as usual.

so, for most of my life – i’ve felt like a teeter-totter… it got so out of control up until recently that when someone would ask “how are you” i honestly didn’t know how to respond… one day spending hours dancing around my room and crying over how much i “felt it” and how on fire i felt like i could save the world, then not long later… another day i could be quite literally wishing i was never born and feeling like even god forgot about me… there was no middle ground. no safe-zone, no gray… no “okay”… i felt like i was climbing a huge hill or plummeting down from one, there was seldom a plateau. lots of running fearfully or frolicking joyfully, not a whole lot of simple walking…

until recently…

after my cleanse and after what i’m now referring to as being “reborn,” i seriously haven’t looked back. maybe it’s because i always talk about it, and reference that time as a time for personal transformation – whatever it is, it’s working… and it feels good! 🙂

and so i write this blog because i want to connect, as is my mission with everything i write or say – even though i’m often horribly misunderstood – and i always secretly hope that something i say will resonate, and we’ll connect even more.  because the truth is, it is a struggle for me to find balance in this teeter-totter world.  and yet it’s up to me to be that anchor, to find that balance in the middle. and when someone asks me “how are you” i can respond by saying, “i’m okay” … and that’s OK.  i don’t have to have a catastrophe of an explanation as to why i’m NOT ‘okay’, nor explode with all the energy in me by responding however i do when i’m feeling amazing and not finding ways to harbour a little bit of that good energy for later… sigh.

point is… BALANCE!  it’s OK for me to feel okay… and i should totally feel okay with feeling OK about it.  because… it just is.  and, it won’t always be this way… it’s okay to walk sometimes, and i’m okay with that.

there’s this guy at work that i simply adore. i find everything out of his mouth to be of truth, compassion, and sheer wisdom and i just appreciate his soul.  one day i was stressing out big time – this was back when i first started the blog – like march or april… and i remember randomly saying to him, “it’s getting really crazy out there M, it’s an ugly world right now… i just don’t know what i’m supposed to be doing…” and he paused and smiled at me with an understanding and simply replied, “take a nap!”  ……….

take a nap?!?!?  TAKE A NAP!

these simple words translated to me in such a profound way.  the universe spoke through mister M that day and sent me those words.  i took it as a very specific message to “slow down” or “relax for a minute” or most importantly, “let go” … it’s time to let the universe take the wheel for a while, and it’s a nice view, actually… quite a comfortable seat…

soooooo…

*yawn* *stretch*, i’ll be back here taking a nap… and i’m okay with that, too.

Tags: feelings, life, OK, patience, peace, thoughts, universe, whatever wednesday, words, wordy wednesday