wordy wednesday — a long one, so what.

by the way, i’ve decided to add some real structure to this blog, so i have something to look forward to posting each week, and you have something new to look forward to reading.  this is how it will break down :

meatless monday – {vegan recipe}

travel tuesday – the foto {a blog about something cool i have done in NYC or somewhere along the way in my life}

wordy wednesday – {as you’re seeing here}

thirsty thursday – {on top of a new recipe, i’ll try a new beer or wine or mixed drink and recommend it to you }

foto friday – the foto {this will also be a blog about something to do with photography – most likely a portrait session or event i’ve shot, but it may be a recipe as well}

and i’ll probably take weekends off – as most people in the blogging community seem to do.  but i may occasionally break that rule, too 😉

———

i should preface this by saying i appreciate you readers SO much for taking time to read anything i write – and i’m also extremely tired and i can’t proofread this as in depth as i normally do, for i need a nap.  so, thanks for baring with my ramblings… it’s uber important i get out my thoughts!

—

shew.  what a morning.

it started with my cat, pawing relentlessly at my door until i let him in to cuddle – then i couldn’t get back to sleep so i shot up out of bed and did some quick yoga, then made a smoothie, sat down at my computer, and started crying.

this is how some days begin.

it’s not rare that i just break down into tears for a half hour to an hour. sometimes it’s because i’m tired, which today i am.  sometimes it’s because i’m cranky or hormonal, which today i am.  sometimes it’s because i feel the pain of others, which today i do.  and sometimes – or maybe only every now and again, i’ll cry because i’m letting go of something – and it’s just a cathartic cry.  i’ve had many cathartic cries in the last 12 months. so many that it seems like that has become the norm.

i have asked god, the universe, and myself repeatedly, “why am i here – what is my purpose?!”  — a question i had never really asked until this past year.  i mean, i wondered – and that curiosity was pretty much squashed in a strict christian environment as i was raised in.  it is a question you would’ve thought any normal kid would’ve asked themselves or god at some point in their life, even any normal adolescent.  but i wasn’t a ‘normal’ version of either of those. i’ve never been ‘normal.’  i’ve always felt ‘separate’ from others, ‘different’, and yeah.. WEIRD.

and i’m not talking ‘purpose’ like, what do i want to do as a career, do i want to get married, etc.  none of those questions ever really mattered to me.  i wanted to know WHY I WAS HERE!

but why did i feel separate, why have i felt so different?!  what made me any different than anyone else?!  we all bleed red, we are all the same.  as i said in my previous post, we are simply mirrors for each other.  sure, i had a challenging upbringing – lost more crucial loved ones than any 13 year old girl needs to experience. i moved around a dozen times, changed schools, adapted, adapted, adapted. i didn’t have a steady home life, i have no memories of it.  this always made me feel ‘separate’ from my friends who had a mom and a dad and grew up in the same place and had a community of friends, history, memories, experiences, etc.  that made them who they are. that was their identity.  all of their experiences made them who they were. and many of them were the same, and not many were like me. so i felt different, weird, misunderstood, outcasted, and separate.

this didn’t stop me from being a true product of my birth chart – caring, fun, light-hearted, loving toward others, nurturing, etc… everyone always ‘liked’ me, despite how different i may have felt inside… how i felt like for the most part, they only liked me because i was nice to them.

it wasn’t until i turned 30, that things started to really make sense – or rather, feel right..  i had been changing my eating habits, incorporating more organics into my diet and really being aware of what i put in my body.  this only increased as time went on.  and from there spawned healthy exercise habits, and a slew of other things that just changed my general awareness.  reading the book “the power of now” changed my life, too.  it opened up the idea of consciousness, letting go of the mind, and expanding into that energy that i didn’t realize was real until i read that book.

all my life i had felt like i was something else, almost like an intangible being that was operating this ‘machine’ called a body.  i felt like i was looking through something, not my own eyes, just general eyes.  i saw things that didn’t require vision, i felt things i couldn’t explain through text or words.  i just felt like a foreigner inside this weird vehicle, trying to walk around this ‘life’ and do whatever i’m supposed to do.  and up until about 2 weeks ago, i had no idea what that was.  i mean, i’ve had plenty of great jobs – i helped run a multimillion dollar grocery chain in the middle of manhattan, i’ve prepared legal documents for big time lawyers, i’ve worked in soup kitchens, i’ve been a secretary, i’ve scrubbed toilets, i’ve helped change people’s eating habits, i’ve been a cashier, a housemaid, a photographer, an editor, a buyer, a personal-assistant, a salesperson, a dog-walker, a volunteer, an organizer, a camp-counselor, an actress, an artist, and a handful of other random things in between.  i am a ‘good little employee’ and show up on time, bust my ass, go above and beyond… i never talk back or do anything dishonest.  i did what i was told.  that’s what i thought i needed to do. i can wear all those hats, claim all those names, but at the end of the day, do any of those things add up to my ‘purpose’ — absolutely not.

those experiences may have molded me in to who i am as a human being, but none of that matters now.  it was all fleeting.  it was almost like all of these random things i’ve done to “make money” were simply just classes i was taking to better my being.  to learn and grow from the experiences within those experiences. much like our incarnated lives here on earth.

i’m such an OLD SOUL.  like, i’m tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of years old.  — weathered type of old.  OLD old.  i’ve been saying for years now that this is my last life, i’m not incarnating again… at least not on earth.  if i am so sure of that {and i can’t explain why i feel that way, i just do}, then why the heck did i beg and beg to be a part of this time on this planet?!  i can’t imagine pleading with god to let me come back so i could be born into a broken home, struggle to make ends meet, lose loved ones and friends alike along the journey, feel worn down, exhausted, poor, and useless.  why in the UNIVERSE would i have wanted that?!  don’t get me wrong, i’ve had a lot of wonderful experiences as well, and i’m beyond grateful for many things – but seriously, it’s been a real struggle.  and lately it’s all been coming to a head… or has it?!

so why the hell am i here?!

it all is starting to become so simply clear…  i’m here to save the world.

i’ve always been here to save the world.  and i have to start by saving myself.

awakening is a HUGE thing. realizing that we aren’t humans with a soul, we ARE a soul, and we are having a human experience.  we are so much more than we realize.  our potential is so vastly extraordinary, it practically frightens us.  just like one of my favourite quotes :

“our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  it is our light, not our darkness, which most frightens us.”

i’ve lived the majority of my life in fear – preparing for something, crossing my Ts and dotting my Is, like the dominating virgo in my natal chart – i’m always trying to cover all bases, stock up, be prepared, etc… what does that create?!  an environment full of fear, driven by fear.  it gives me piece of mind, sure… but what has all that “preparedness” created?  a space for it to happen.  the fact that i’m “prepared” for a disaster, almost invites it.

consciousness IS energy.  WE are energy.  what we accept as reality, is real.  and me for one, i don’t like to accept anything that isn’t TRUE and from a place of LOVE.  this has ultimately been my biggest struggle.  living in a world and society that follows blindly, and isn’t encouraged to think or feel for themselves.  this creates separation, fear, and keeps us from living up to our true divine potential.

and i’m over that crap.  SO over it.

i’m not going to let ANYONE dictate ANY ASPECT of my life ANYMORE!  what i accept as reality, is real. so guess what? i’m not going to be scared anymore.  i’m not going to let fear stop me from doing whatever it is i need to do.  all this crying, all this changing, all this peeling layers, is not something “bubbling” to the top, it’s nonsense wilting to the bottom… it’s shedding layers of useless thought-patterns, habits, and things in my life that simply do not serve a purpose anymore… it’s a GOOD THING.

all the separation i have felt over the first third of my life, was merely designed to make me realize that my identity is an illusion.  that what “makes me who i am” is irrelevant.  i am love, i am consciousness, and that’s all i am.  everything else exists ONLY in the mind.  we are not separate, we are the same. we ALL need to realize that we all are here to save the world.  to wake up to our true potential.

and after meditating and weeping over it… i have decided that my purpose is to LOVE.

and so is yours.

———

—

—

love is not something you are IN, it is something you ARE.

Tags: consciousness, life, purpose, ramblings, the universe, thoughts, why, words, writing