{wordy wednesday} – i am.

22 Aug

hello you faithful readers, you.

so much is happening. a lot of energy is coming from everywhere.

i have been through some of the worst – i mean, the worst depression of my life… i’m comfortable in saying that i’m out of it now. i don’t want to think it has potential to ever surface again, but i’m a rational person – it might. however, i feel so completely different lately that i don’t know if it will ever have as much reign over me as it did this bout.  i’m telling you, it was awful. be thankful i didn’t blog about it, even though sometimes i wanted to – just to get it out of my head.

whatever, i don’t want to waste too much energy even talking about the fact that i suffer{ed} from that horrible debilitating condition.  well, it’s the human condition, actually.  suffering, pain, fear, separation… we all deal with it, in some fashion. some of us talk about it, some of us take it out on others, some of us take it out with drugs, some of us live a secluded life avoiding interacting with anything or anyone at all…

i guess my point is, i have so much to write about lately because now that i’m out of that horrible dark tunnel, i see the light and it’s so incredibly bright i can hardly stand it.  it’s like my favourite quote –

“our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  it is our light, not our darkness, which most frightens us.”

yeah.  good stuff.  and so, i’m feeling somewhat like that – only, less afraid, more excited.  i’m like, “holy crap that light is so damn bright – i can’t wait to be sucked up in it and spitting it back out at everything i see!!!”

{deep breath} i mean, it’s unreal how morphed i feel. like a brand new me. like a part of me is gone, and i’m a blank canvas… i don’t have anything necessarily to give credit to – other than a lot of yoga, meditation, praying, cursing, asking, begging, forgiving, releasing, cleansing, and letting go.  i gave up resisting. somewhere in the middle of a lot of emotion, a full moon, and a veggie diet cleanse, i remembered how much i kick ass.  i remembered how awesome i am.  how much of a beautiful being of light i am.  and all those horrible repetitive thoughts that created the depressive state i was in — they do NOT define me. the universe didn’t leave me, it heard my cry, and i came out on top…

i am very blessed young lady with gifts to help others and many amazing traits that not everyone taps in to. and i’m not going to live my life being ungrateful for them.  i’m going to surrender to them as the gifts they are, and no longer see them as a curse.  for example, my empathy. i can totally use that to my advantage, and to the advantage of those in my path. i just have to channel it, which isn’t always easy.  and it was way harder to do when i lived in new york, that’s for sure. i spent my whole life thinking about everyone else first – and in order for me to give another 30 years or so of it, i have to put some love back in me first – and really, for the first time…

anyway, i’ve just been thinking a lot lately about how much i like myself. and how much i also ACCEPT myself.  the flawed, flaky, weirdo i am.

like, okay – so we are in a new love cycle right now… astrology jargon here – venus is up in that sky causing a huge wave of change in love, relationships, and how we are valued in the world.  and i’m feeling it! this year was full of heartache, change, and surrendering.  and now, i feel like i have no idea what i’m in for.  i mean, i really don’t know if i’m ready for the good $h!t that’s about to come my way, and is already beginning to.

for example, just this week i –

– got promoted

– was hugged by 4 different strangers

– watched a praying mantis bathe herself

– had a stranger bring me 2 tshirts from his cool dubstep gig

– had a customer at work offer to pay me to do her natal chart

– had 3 inquiries about foto gigs

and to top it off,  my massage therapist told me i released a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders… he’s never said that before, not in 4 sessions now.

YAY!

and – OMG, what else could possibly come my way?!  i feel overjoyed with abundance. when not 2 months ago, that was completely not the case.

more astrology jargon – this last mercury retrograde period was in the sign of Leo.  and Leo is all about the heart, the love. and i think that during that period, i learned that the love i needed to give, was to myself. i can make me better by loving who i am more, and then when i accept that fully, i can use the energy to channel the love in the right way, and give it to others more freely…

that’s not to say i can’t be loving all day every day – but you see where i’m going with this?! for most of my life, i’ve always put the emphasis on other people.  the empath in me as a child didn’t know how to direct those feelings… and still today, at 32, i’m learning how to do that.  but what i’m saying is, i have to give some of that love to myself and not sacrifice who i am in the midst of all this energy around me.

we are all unique, just like everyone else.  we are different in our own ways; it takes all kinds.

and i like who i am -flawed and all- because even though my natal chart is centralized in 3 main houses, and my “ways” are kind of concrete… i’m so unbelievably diverse, open-minded, accepting, quick-witted, funny, personable, and approachable. much of that stems from an unstable childhood, causing me to “grow up” a lot quicker than most kids my age… i had a very diverse collection of friends, still do.

and i like that i can relate to everyone. it’s a gift. i’ve been told that my whole life. it’s why i’ve gotten where i am. it’s not a “gift of gab” either… it’s genuine… i’m a VERY VERY old soul, i’m telling you. i came back for a reason, and that is to share love… and i just want us all to start recognizing each other – to SEE each other – so we can start REALLY living it up on this planet!

but i’m also so many other things, and i’m constantly changing. i love surprising people. nothing makes me happier than when i disprove someone’s judgment or assumption. for example –

– a few things on my iPod – barenaked ladies, dr. dre, coldplay, pink floyd, michael buble, nikki minaj, trans siberian orchestra, LMFAO, juana molina, enya, foo fighters, eminem, lauryn hill, ziggy marley… are you getting the point?!

– people are surprised to know i’ve dated practically every race…

– did you know i LOVE football?!  not a drop of competitive side to me other than those 6 months out of the year when dudes in tights fight over pigskin.

– i’m great with children, eventually want to work with them or develop a children’s book – they LOVE me, and yet i don’t plan to have any of my own… and i don’t feel bad about it.

– i’m not convinced i want to get married, i’m just not sure it’s for me…

i guess the point of all this self-promotion is to prove a point that i’ve recently rediscovered about myself. i am so diverse, that i can find a way to relate to almost anyone.  i’m such an old soul, that i know everyone.

like, i know YOU!

the other day at work, this new girl was saying “i love the music station today, totally heard it play ‘timewarp’ and i started dancing…” then i immediately started rapping with her about the rocky horror picture show and how she stepped in as “magenta” a few times…

and then the next conversation i had was with a cool old man about taking life too seriously and how we should go share a bottle of wine with his cheese spread he was just purchasing…

and then i chatted up a 6-year old about her summer and how she rode horses just like i did as a kid, and how she was a good swimmer, just like i was when i was her age, and then she hugged me and gave me a high five when i told her about my promotion… and explained what a promotion was.

🙂

i am.

and i like who i am.

we should ALL love ourselves more, accept who we are, embrace it.  we can change the things we don’t like by not being afraid of our own reflection. and then we’ll love ourselves more, and in turn, love each other more!

i believe it can happen.

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6 Responses to “{wordy wednesday} – i am.”

  1. mylifeisthebestlife August 22, 2012 at 8:30 am #

    I SEE YOU!!! And you’re so shiny and bright and old and new and EVERYTHING GOOD IN THE WORLD and I feel like my life is a million times better because you exist.

    Like

    • cooking with audrey August 22, 2012 at 8:47 am #

      you make me feel SO SPECIAL!!!! and like a million bucks. my life is better because YOU are in it! xxoo

      Like

  2. anthony0358 August 22, 2012 at 11:46 am #

    this is so lovely to read and I am so happy for you Audrey!

    Like

  3. Epicurean Eva August 26, 2012 at 10:21 pm #

    Very brave of you to talk about what you have been through and the light at the end of the tunnel. Inspiring and wonderful!

    Like

  4. Becca's Green Kitchen August 30, 2012 at 10:50 am #

    What an uplifting post and beautiful words! The sense of peace with yourself that you’ve found, I think, is one that few of us have and is a place that takes a great deal of maturity to reach! Thanks for sharing your growth and your heart with us! Vulnerability is so beautiful.

    Like

    • cooking with audrey August 31, 2012 at 8:38 am #

      awww, sweet becca. that is so kind of you to take time to write and say. it is hard to be vulnerable… i often hide in my shell and don’t say what i mean, which is why i started the wordy wednesday… who cares if no one even reads it!? i like getting my thoughts out in writing, i’m just better at articulating myself that way. it means so much when people take time to read, and really FEEL what it is i’m saying.. nothing tops that, it makes my heart warm!

      Like

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