“i see you” {AKA audrey michelle’s very emotional, real, and cathartic DIY cleanse update}

well, here it is – the official “end” i suppose.

{oh and by the way, this is one LONG AND WORDY POST!  be forewarned.}

i made it 5 whole days {entering my 6th now} eating only raw or steamed organic fruits and vegetables, juice, water and kombucha.  funny thing is, i don’t think i’m going to stop.  i had absolutely no idea how this cleanse would effect me – i certainly didn’t fathom it effecting me more on an emotional level than physical.  and i dare say – spiritual.  it almost brings tears to my eyes {again} as i write this.

yesterday was rough.  the worst day to date.  so why the hell would i want to keep putting myself through this?! good question…

first of all, i would like to take a moment to send out peace, love, and light, to those families greatly impacted by thursday night’s horrific shooting at the movie theatre in aurora.  i’m not going to link you – i haven’t even seen but 15 seconds of footage and everything else is coming from talk amongst the town.  i don’t need to see it – i FELT it.  yesterday i woke up so volatile, so unsettled, so emotional.  i literally woke up crying and shaking.  weird right?!

this might sound crazy, i don’t really care anymore.  we are all so vastly greater than our human selves, and yet we are stuck here in a 3-demensional world trying to make it work for us.  i’ve always been an empath, i’ve always “felt” other peoples pain, strife, etc.  i mean literally.  i get sympathy pains, my heart races when something big happens or is going to happen, i become very unsettled when i “feel” something is off, i sense things and people’s energies, or hidden truths or lies – and conversely, i’m a beaming ball of beautiful and healthy light when i “feel” it!  this has always made life a little more challenging, simply because i think people sense it {of course they do – we are the SAME!} and it throws them off.  they either find me intimidating because their ego becomes threatened, or they embrace me, because they wonder why i seem to “know” more – even though i don’t really “know” anything, i “feel” it.

the last year has been somewhat of the greatest challenges of my life to date. i went through and am coming out of some of the worst depression i’ve ever experienced. that may sound outlandish to you, the reader – since this blog platform is a chance for me to filter my life and what happens in it and then form it into a pretty little polka-dotted background version of my shutter-clicking, kale-eating, so-called life.

i’m actually a “happy” person – if you were to come into my job, you may say “she’s so friendly and nice and helpful – i like her” — and most people, they LIKE ME.  so what?  i mean, i appreciate that… i probably like you, too.  but what do you like about me?  i’m just a mirror, as you are to me.  we are the same.  we are made up of the same stuff.  everything is. some people find things they do NOT like in me – which is of course to say, things they do not like in themselves.  see how that works?!  i can speak freely about this now because i’ve been the other side of the mirror, judging others, and hence – judging myself.

we are also polarities. we have a dark side, and that is where depression lives, i believe. and as an empath, “feeling” the collective pain {depression} is getting more and more acute for me.  i’m finding it harder to channel all the energy around me – much like my favourite t-shirt i bought at the mall of america forever ago in the above photo 😉

so when some 14+ souls lose their human lives senselessly while trying to go about their normal days and find some entertainment outside of their home walls, i “feel” it – my heart hurts, even though i know those souls will be okay. i still ache for the turmoil that being a human can and has caused us.

yesterday was so hard.  for one, the shooting – what a horrible way to wake up.  for two, it was my first day back to work in like, 19 days.  yikes!  i was worried because of the cleanse that i may really have a hard time, but thankfully that wasn’t the issue. i was mostly just a little foggy-headed… partially from the cleanse, partially from lack of sleep, and partially because of the shooting. something about that shooting really {NO PUN INTENDED, but how’s the this for a play-on-words} triggered a huge change in me.  much like i’m sure the days following the terrifying columbine attacks were – there was an erie air of sadness, loss, familiarity, and oddly – almost a numbness, in this case. i attended a jazz festival a few weeks ago, wherein an officer was shot in the head and killed while trying to break up a gang fight. needless to say, i haven’t quite been the same since. even though i didn’t exactly feel in that moment that my life was threatened, it is still a very very unsettling feeling. my friends and i still talk about that day, we will never forget it. i took a fun photo of our snacks and everything, but didn’t blog about it because it was just hard… and even though i wasn’t present at the movie theatre {thank goodness}, it still makes me want to do something to change the state of the world. it’s getting so bad out there! i don’t have to invent something that’s going to “FIX” it, but i can make the smallest changes ever in my own life that could have the hugest ripple effect ever in everyone’s lives – and if we ALL did that — can you just… imagine?! i know i’m not the first person to think and feel this way, but i figure – the more we talk about it, the more love and awareness we bring to light, the greater the effects can be.

i made it through my work day okay, and i had a massage scheduled last night to aid in the cleansing process so i didn’t get home until after 10 p.m. massages are always so healing for me, even though they hurt the day after simply because i carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. so naturally, i was extra emotional.  i started to blog, but couldn’t do it because i just wept.  i spoke aloud to the universe, spoke to myself, it was almost like my own little church. it was a cathartic cry.  a collective cry.  a reaffirming cry. and still today, i feel the tears welt up.  in fact, i actually can’t think of many days in the last year that i haven’t cried.  sound silly?  i don’t care, i’m the honeybadger.

this cleanse isn’t just cleaning out that occasional mcdonalds i consumed 10 years ago, or the dairy overdose i tend to do on string-cheese from time to time. this cleanse was for my well-being.  it was literally – the chance to hit that reset button.  to start over.  to exhale.  to die a little, and be re-born.

and so it is happening.  i didn’t know how i’d feel or what i’d do, but here i am – feeling like i’m in the movie THE MATRIX, opening my eyes for the first time today – right now.  i’m here, and it’s all i have.  nothing else matters, just right now. everything else was absolved in my cleansing tears… at least for now. truths i’ve known but have not exactly been lost – just out of reach, somehow – mostly blocked by my own ego.

phew.  thanks for sharing that with me.  normally i might proof read it a hundred times and then decide it’s too “heavy” for some people and omit posting it entirely. but my purpose in life is becoming more clear, and it’s the same purpose we all have – to love each other.  and to be true.  my truth is what i just spoke.  what i FEEL is real, is real. and i’m not going to hide who i am or what is important to my soul any longer. i’m not all smoke and mirrors.

i’m just a mirror — and i see you.

do you see me?

🙂

———

oh, and in case you were wondering – here’s what i brought to work yesterday, in my way-too-adorable-for-words bento box – after having my smoothie, lemon water, and a banana. i also had two kombuchas yesterday. one in the morning and the other when i got home after my massage.

eating “clean” literally cleans you out.  my advice is to be prepared to deal with some personal issues beyond what you think might be depriving yourself of pizza and your other favourite foods. be very mindfully prepared for a cleanse. don’t think you can just take a pill, drink water, or eat more spinach.  if you are ready to CLEANSE – be open to the idea that it will cleanse every part of your being.  your mind, body, and soul.

you really should be ready for that – not necessarily the specifics, but you should want that change in your life.  that’s just my two cents.

and i’ve decided to continue doing this cleanse in some fashion – incorporating things in little by little, mainly shifting the way i view life, and ridding my body, mind, and soul, of anything that isn’t beneficial – so that my true essence can shine through.  so that the REAL ME, is all that anyone ever sees.  they won’t question my integrity, my words, or my actions – because they’ll know that the authenticity behind it all is genuine and derived from a place of acceptance and love. and maybe, just maybe… they’ll see that truth in themselves as well.  and maybe, just maybe… we could all change the world that way.

love to you all.

Tags: change, cleanse, cleansing, DIY, light, love, new beginning, organics, raw, well-being